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Category: Frivolity

Fun posts

Greetings once again, O warm and welcoming Denizens of the Twenty-first Century! It is I, Bertram St. James…as you can tell by my (exquisite) portrait which accompanies this epistle.

I thought I would share with you my Impressions and Ruminations on my first months in your time period. (For those of you who may be new to this Risky Regency salon, please know that I was a happy and handsome inhabitant of the year 1812 until just a few months ago…when somehow, I came here….no, I mean, came now. No, that doesn’t sound quite right either, does it? Oh, bother it all. You know what I mean.)

ASPECTS OF THE YEAR 2005 THAT I QUITE LIKED:

1. I simply adore Showers. In fact, I adore all of the Plumbing I have so far encountered in the Twenty-first Century.
2. The astoundingly low price of Books. I now own a Complete Shakespeare.
3. The fact that when one sees Shakespeare performed, no one cuts out the indelicate bits. In fact, as far as I can tell, new indelicate bits are added in.
4. Twix, Snickers, Hershey, Ms&Ms, Godiva (thank you for suggesting the last, Madame McCabe.) Chocolate Candy. What an invention.
5. Messrs. Johnson and Johnson’s Dental Floss.
6. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. What beautiful people. I could stare at them all day (and sometimes do.) Jennifer Lopez is also an aesthetic pleasure.
7. Public Libraries.
8. Electricity-powered Clothes Irons. Now one’s man is much less likely to singe one’s Clothes. (Not that mine ever did. Except that one time.)
9. Electricity-powered Lights. They are ever so much brighter than even the best beeswax candles, or any oil lamp I have ever encountered. Moreover, they do not smoke, they do not need tending, and they do not set one’s house on fire when one’s man is careless. (Not that mine ever did. Except — oh, never mind.)

ASPECTS OF THE YEAR 2005 THAT I FELT WERE QUITE UNNECESSARY:

1. I feel quite sad whenever I notice Tea adulterated with such things as maple and mango (whatever they are). Why are 2005 people not happy with simple Tea? Do you modern folk find the flavour of Tea so repulsive that you must needs cover it up with such things? If you must drink Vanilla Mango Maple Chai Licorice concoctions, why put Tea in them at all??? And do not try to tell me it is for Tea’s Stimulative Properties. It did not take me long to learn what “De-Caffeinated” means. Why not drink “De-Alconated” Wine, for heaven’s sake?
2. While I’m on the subject, let me add that I don’t understand why modern folk do not drink more. And by “drink more,” I mean wine, beer, ale, brandy, sherry, port…even gin. Not water. Not milk. Not “Energy Drinks.” Wine strengthens the blood and knits the bones! Please, do try to drink your bottle a day. It does a body good.
3. Safety Razors. Shave with a proper razor, for Heaven’s sake. How otherwise can you have a truly smooth chin?
4. Men’s Clothing. (Shudder.) Why are men so ashamed of their legs? Are they all turned Puritan?
5. Freeways are ugly things. Do away with them all, and I assure you, you will all be much happier.

Let me take this Opportunity to wish you all a Happy New Year! And may you all have the good fortune to grow half as elegant as I am in 2006.

Bertram St. James, Exquisite


The world of Jane Austen scholarship was shaken to the core by the recent discovery of a “lost” excerpt from Pride and Prejudice. Currently undergoing rigorous handwriting, paper, and ink analysis, the fragment reveals a daring stylistic experimentation that has already created fierce controversy in academic circles. The short scene depicts Jane Bennett, who, while waiting for Lizzie to return from Derbyshire, seeks outside help in rescuing Lydia from ruin. With the violent rejection of the classical style,what was Austen intending? One cannot help but wonder, had she pursued this course, how the introduction of a new character, a possible rival for either Bingley or Darcy, would have influenced the romantic element of the novel; and certainly it seems, in its revelation of the seamy underbelly of Meriton, to indicate a possible bloody gang shoot-out as the book’s climax.

It is with great pleasure and the deepest honor that the Risky Regencies Blog presents the world debut of this important addition to the Austen canon.


She’s cool as a cucumber, this Miss Bennett. Not what I expected, not after what I’d heard in the village about the family. She receives me in a drawing room furnished with old-world stuff–nothing fancy, old pieces, the whole set-up breathing respectability and solidity.

“Thank you for coming, sir.” She gestures to a chair, one of those spindly English things. The old dame who took my hat and gloves stays with us in the room, picking away at an embroidery frame to preserve the decencies, I guess.

When Miss Bennett leans to pour tea her gown slips up revealing a pretty good ankle. Not bad, not bad at all, but this is business, and I let her mess around with the teacups while keeping an eye on her. She’s too genteel to offer me a Scotch, but for the moment I’m playing on her terms.

“The weather has been quite remarkably good,” she offers, and the slight tremor in her hand reveals her agitation. “I think, however, we can expect some rain later this week.”

I decide to help her out. “Sure. Say, Miss Bennett, you didn’t call me here to talk about the weather.”

“You are correct, sir.” She produces a small, lace-edged handkerchief and gives a genteel sniffle. “I daresay you have heard…how could you not have…the disgrace that has fallen upon our family. Forgive me, it is dreadful indeed. My youngest sister, Lydia, has…has fallen into the hands of an adventurer and has been persuaded to elope. I think he does not intend to marry her. Sir, you must help us find them.”

“Wickham?” I ask. Things had gotten too hot for him in London, after he’d fallen out with the boys at White’s, and the whole set up stinks of him. He’d tried to set up a rival operation to Bingley and Darcy, but they were too clever for him, and they’d left town after they’d sucked the neighborhood dry. Even so, they’d forced Charlotte Lucas to throw in her lot with the de Bourgh Gang and last I’d heard she was engaged in a struggle for power with Collins.

“I fear so.” She plies the handkerchief, a picture of bewildered innocence. “My Papa and Mama are prostrated with grief, and I do not know to whom I can turn until Lizzie comes home.”

Right, her father operating some sort of scam from his study and her hophead of a mother high as a kite most of the time from all I’ve heard, continually sending her daughters into town to buy more of the stuff at that fake haberdasher’s. “Lizzie?”

“My sister. She will know what to do. She is in Derbyshire, and on her way home even as we speak.”

“Up north?” This stinks more and more. If the Wordsworth siblings, that cold-hearted team of killers, are part of the scheme, there’ll be blood all over this polite drawing-room before we’re finished.

“It is dreadful indeed.” She dabs at her eyes.

“You’re good, sister. Real good.”

“I beg your pardon?” She draws herself up and looks at me with disdain.

“You’re good, real good, all that fake innocence, but I’ve been made a sap of one too many times by dames like you. It’s time to come clean, dollface.”

“Sir!” She leaps to her feet, doing the heaving bosom thing. “I regret we will have no need of your services. Please leave this house immediately, Mr. Spade.”


Happy Sunday (and the start to Jane Austen’s birthday week)! First, I have posted a pic that relates to Elena’s fascinating pet post a few days ago. This is the photo I took of the memorial to Lilly the spaniel at Chiswick House. It’s too far away to read the writing, but you can see it’s quite an elaborate stone. She must have been a well-loved pet.

Second, here are the answers to the Austen-Christmas quiz! I got all but 1 of them right, which is amazing for me, as I’m usually a total doofus at quizzes.
1) C
2) A
3) C
4) C
5) B
6) A
7) C
8) C
9) B (I got this wrong–for some reason, I always have it in my head that she was born in 1776. But I was never good with dates anyway)
10) C (just like now!)

Apologies to anyone who tried to get onto the Riskies recently and couldn’t. Some of us could, some of us couldn’t, but eventually we sent Carolyn out with a blunt instrument and she clubbed something at FB until it lay as a mangled, wretched mess.

So I thought the least I could do to show my appreciation is to continue the saga of the mysterious letter to our hero, which, as you may remember, had a faint violet scent (oh good one, I typed violent first).

My lord, the letter read.

Your proposal interests me greatly.I shall call at three, if that would be at all agreeable.

C

The Earl of Haque dangled the letter between his fingers as he regarded the visitor his butler had announced as Mr. Crewe. “A perfume factory in this house?”

Crewe grinned through gapped teeth. “You said you was agreeable, my lord. Your idea, in fact. Lots of extra rooms, you have here. Close to the canal.” He fingered a priceless Chinese vase on the mantelpiece. “Oops. Sorry.”

Haque tugged the bellpull to summon a footman to deal with the fragments.

“Besides, it’s the least you can do for your brother, innit?”

“Brother?”

“Twin brother.” Crewe beamed. “Identical.”

“Identical?” Haque glanced at the mirror above the mantelpiece, which reflected his blond, well-tailored, six feet of pure lithe muscle [insert suitably heroic description here] and Crewe’s five foot nothing of dark hirsuteness. Something was wrong, very wrong.

“Yep. And I’m the eldest by five minutes.” Crewe produced a handkerchief soaked in his product and blew his nose. He sank onto the sofa, apparently overcome with emotion, and something screamed and fled for the door.

“That was the cat,” Haque said, looking around for a suitable weapon. Yes indeed, the canal was very near, and …

“My lord, a lady has come to call,” said the butler, insinuating himself into the drawing room.

So now what happens?