And now, from the mad mind that brought you Austen Trek and Jane Austen’s Batman, we have

Jane Austen’s BUFFY; or, if Jane Austen had written Buffy the Vampire Slayer….

Mr. Giles turned his eyes on Miss Buffy Summers. “I can guess the subject of your reverie.”

“I should imagine not.”

“You are considering how insupportable it would be to pass many evenings in the presence of a vampire without being able to place a stake within his chest–and indeed I am quite of your opinion. I was never more annoyed! Their love of blood, and their eccentric dentistry–the villainy, and yet the arch dialogue of all those people! What would I give to hear your strictures on them!”

“You conjecture is totally wrong, I assure you. My mind was more agreeably engaged. I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a handsome vampire can bestow.”

Mr. Giles immediately fixed his eyes on her face, and desired she would tell him what vampire had the credit of inspiring such reflections. Miss Summers replied with great intrepidity:

“Mr. Angel.”

“Mr. Angel!” repeated the watcher. “I am all astonishment. How long has he been such a favourite?–and pray, when am I to wish you joy?”

“That is exactly the question which I expected you to ask. A watcher’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from reluctance in killing a person to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment. I knew you would be wishing me joy.”

“Nay, if you are serious about it, I shall consider the matter is absolutely settled. You will be having charming relatives in Spike and Drusilla, indeed; and, of course, they will always be in Sunnydale with you.”

She listened to him with perfect indifference while he chose to entertain himself in this manner; and as her composure convinced him that all was safe, his wit flowed long.

“You are aware of his much-lamented past, I am sure,” said Mr. Giles. “And you must of necessity regard it with the greatest horror. To murder humans for one century, or two centuries, or three centuries, or whatever it was, above his head in blood, and alone, quite alone! What could he mean by it? It seems to me to show an abominable sort of conceited independence to chuse to remain soulless for so long–and then, at the last, to repent? And why?”

“The latter shows an affection for humans that is very pleasing,” said Buffy.

“I have a excessive regard for Angel, he is really very sweet (for a vampire), and I wish with all my heart he were well settled. But with such friends as Spike and Drusilla, and with his inexplicable love for hair gel, I am afraid there is no chance of it.”

Cara
Cara King, author of MY LADY GAMESTER and eternal geek

In all the rampant Oscar coverage, I’m shocked that no journalist unearthed the fact that the early versions of all five of this year’s Best Picture nominees were actually written by Jane Austen!

There. You didn’t know it either, did you?

What — you don’t believe me?

Here, as proof, are excerpts from all five:

Jane Austen’s SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

No one who had ever seen this slumdog in his infancy would have supposed him born to be a millionaire. His situation in life, the poverty of his father and mother, his predatory elder brother, were all equally against him. He was fond of all boy’s plays, and greatly preferred cricket not merely to reading, but even to life itself–for how else might one explain his unaccountable attachment to bowling at the wicket even in the face of rapidly descending airships? His school was three months in teaching him the names of two of the musketeers, but he never was able to remember the third, for he was often inattentive, and occasionally lured by an award-winning soundtrack into running through the streets of Mumbai during school hours.

Jane Austen’s BENJAMIN BUTTON

Jane Austen’s MILK

Jane Austen’s FROST/NIXON

Jane Austen’s THE READER

“But I am,” returned he; “and I can offer you all the benefits of a regular love affaire except for skill, experience, clever conversation, or any knowledge of the world.”

There you have it! The scoop of the year!

And you saw it here first — on Risky Regencies. (And if you want to read Jane Austen’s versions of STAR TREK, DARK KNIGHT, and more, just click on the “Austen Trek” link at the bottom of this post!)

Cara
Cara King, who was also written by Jane Austen

And now…

We present to you JANE AUSTEN’S “TWILIGHT”……

About five seconds after the arrival of my truck, it became certain that Edward Cullen was also arrived. His eyes were fixed on me with an intensity I found no less disturbing than intriguing.

A blue van which entered the park at this point seemed at first to offer me no danger, but an unnoticed patch of ice threw it suddenly in my direction; and I, unable to move quickly enough to seek shelter, stood immobile in its path as the vehicle hurried along.

Edward Cullen, who was standing across the park at that time, was somehow able to render me assistance. He stopped the course of the van, and raised it from the ground, but my head had been injured in my fall, and I was scarcely able to stand. The pale gentleman offered me his services; and perceiving that my modesty declined what my situation rendered necessary, took me up in his arms without farther delay, and carried me past the van. Moving through the park, he bore me directly to the ambulance, whither the EMTs were busily working, and quitted not his hold till he had placed me onto the stretcher.

The remaining Cullens rose up in amazement at this, and while the eyes of all were fixed on me with an evident wonder, mine were fixed on Edward from a secret admiration which equally sprung from his exceedingly comely appearance and the wintery temperature of his hands. He apologized for his boldness in a manner so frank and so graceful that his person, which was uncommonly handsome, received additional charms from his voice and expression. Had he seemed old, ugly, and tan, my gratitude and kindness would have been secured by any such act of heroism; but the appearance of youth, beauty, and elegance, coupled with an occasional attractive sparkle, gave an interest to the action which came home to my feelings.

Indeed, his manly beauty and more than common gracefulness were instantly the theme of my intense admiration. His person and air were equal to what my fancy had ever drawn for the hero of a favourite story; and in his stopping the course of the van with one cold hand when he had a moment before been standing across the park, there was a rapidity of movement which particularly recommended him to me. Every circumstance belonging to him was interesting. His name was good, his skin colour matched my favourite blouse, and I soon found out that of all manly hair colours, bronze was the most becoming.

Cara
Cara King, who will do Jane Austen’s Phantom very soon, she promises!

And now…by popular demand…and against the express wishes of my cat…I bring you the almost complete
Part the First
of
THE RIME OF THE VULCAN MARINER:

(N.B: the beginning of this appeared in an earlier post.)

It is a space-age mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three.
“By thy verdant skin and too-sharp ears,
Now wherefore stopp’st thou me?

The star bar’s doors are opened wide,
And I’m expected in;
My skirt is small, my hair is tall,
And Kirk will buy me gin.”

He holds her with his skinny hand,
“The Enterprise–” quoth he.
“Hold off! unhand me, blue-shirt loon!”
But Spock cannot agree.

He holds her with his mental meld–
The busty babe stood still,
And listens like a three years’ child:
The Vulcan hath her will.

With Captain Kirk forgotten now,
She listens full of fear;
And thus spake on with logic cool,
The man with pointy ear.

“The ship was cleared, no Klingon feared,
Steadily did we warp
Beyond the Earth, beyond the moon,
Beyond Tau Ceti Four.

“The ship that’s trapp’d in solar heft
Is quite a sight to see.
It shines so bright, that time’s not right
And muons all go free.

“Higher and higher every day,
Till every moment’s noon–“
The leggy babe then missed the rest,
For she heard a tribble croon.

“Jim Kirk hath paced into the bar,
Yellow his tunic’s sheen;
Quaffing a glass of Scotty’s best —
I know not, but it’s green.”

The guest-star fair, she tore her hair,
Yet she cannot choose but hear;
And thus spake that half-Vulcan man,
The space-age Mariner.

“And now the Klingons came, and they
Were tyrannous and strong:
They struck us from their ships with wings,
Which to Romulans once belonged.

With failing shields and flagging warp,
As who pursued with phasers sharp
Beholds the bridge dissolve to quarks
With wormholes straight ahead,
The ship drove fast, loud roared the blast,
Into the sun we fled.

And now there came the photon blow,
And it did wondrous hurt:
And tongues of fire made us a pyre
As red as Scotty’s shirt.

And while we stewed, the Klingon crew
Did fire unending blows:
They knocked out Rand and Sulu too–
And singed the captain’s clothes.

They hit us here, they hit us there,
Till only pain we felt:
Off chairs we fell, for, truth to tell,
We have not one seat belt.

to be continued…

And be sure to stop in on the first Tuesday of October, when our Jane Austen Movie Club discusses BRIDE AND PREJUDICE!

And thanks to Trusty Todd for the Scotty’s Best stanza…

Cara
Cara King, who has never met a cross albatross

Risky Regencies now presents…

Jane Austen’s “BATMAN.”

When Batman and the Joker were alone, the former, who had been cautious in his threats to the arch-villain before, expressed just how very much he was in opposition to him.

“You are just what a young man should not be,” said Batman, “nonsensical, bad-humoured, lively; and I never saw such intemperate manners!–so much ease, with such perfect bad breeding!”

“I am also handsome,” replied the Joker, “which a young villain ought likewise to be, if he possibly can. My character is thereby complete.”

“I was very much angered the other day by your asking me to choose who was to live, and who to die. I did not expect such an insult.”

“Did not you? And yet it nonetheless occurred. But that is one great difference between us. Chaos always take YOU by surprise, and ME never. What could be more natural than me asking you to compromise your principles, your integrity, your commitment to never varying your facial expression? I could not help seeing that you were about five times as self-righteous as every other man in Gotham City. No thanks to my perspicacity for that. Well, you certainly are very noticeable, and I give you leave to wear your unbending suit of petroleum derivatives as much as you please. You could have worn many a stupider costume.”

“I do not understand you!”

“Oh! you are a great deal too apt, you know, to expect people to think as you do. You always see a fault in anybody who enjoys mayhem. All the world should be good and orderly in your eyes. I never heard you showing tolerance to actual human nature in your life.”

“I would not wish to be hasty in censuring anyone; but I always confront those I judge criminal.”

“I know you do; and it is THAT which makes the wonder. With YOUR keen intelligence, to be so honestly blind to the follies and nonsense of law and order! Affectation of honesty is common enough–one meets with it everywhere. But to be a crusader full of ostentation and design–to take the bad of everybody’s character and make it cause for action, and monotone muttering–belongs to you alone. And so you dislike the way in which I conduct myself, do you? My manners are not equal to Harvey Dent’s?”

“Certainly not–at first. He is a very pleasing man when you converse with him. But Miss Dawes has a wish to live with Mr. Dent, and keep his house; and I am much mistaken if I shall not find him a less charming man if she does.”

Cara
Cara King, who could use an Alfred to look after her books